I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
i think i gave myself a perma-hangover. or god just hates me.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
i wish semen tasted like chocolate
I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%
He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
He was simultaneously rubbing my shoulders and fucking me. I'm keeping him.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
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