i have nine cents in my fucking bank account... not even a dime
but i am gonna have to have sex w/ him again to get my earrings back
What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
I keep telling myself last night was not real, not real, not real. Then I remember I can't move. This hangover is too fucking real.
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
Dude, I had no choice. I was defending my genitals.
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.
and SLEEP god I love sleep
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
To be clear you just said "I'll give you a baby" as a sext?
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
Randomize
