drunk at some random house party. come get me. i thought i pulled my dick out to go piss... it was my left nut. im soaked.
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.
i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Is everyone touching their nose at me a sign that I should stop snorting vicodin off my phone in the bathroom at school?
I told you, I'm taking a sledgehammer to your walls. Fuck your walls.
I'm Batman.
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I'm bleeding and have questions
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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