Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
Okay so it turns out that my bf keeps a log of every time I sleep-fart. It's dated back to 2013.
These muscle relaxers obviously don't work because I'm harder than a fucking diamond.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
While we were doing it he looked up at me and said "Does your husband fuck you this good?" Talk about a mood killer....
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
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