I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Ya, found out why there were rat traps in my bed. Guess I pissed in Sams room so he went to the store and got them and put them on my bed and put tabasco in his humidifier and put it in my room
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
I had this image of some guy in a taco truck down by the IMA accosting you for a peep show.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I always congratulate people on their vaginal emancipation.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
Whats your number? 5 or more?
Cinco. It sounds smaller in Spanish.
only i would grind with someone to harp music at a gay wedding
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
I forgot about snapchatting a pic of us, but I remember flossing with your hair.
I am high playing guitar hero naked. Please don't let me die this way
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