I'm not conventionally pretty...I'm just crazy
I think im going to throw up on grandma
you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
This is the third time this year I've whored myself for a Netflix login. If this guy changes his password, I'm gonna fucking give up.
Or maybe pay for Netflix?
I'm not that desperate yet.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
Randomize
