I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
My foreign exchange student got here today. I turned on man vs. food and told her that "this is all you need to know about America."
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career
You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
I'm sorry but if you can't drink a bottle of wine without a glass, I do not think we can be friends.
I may or may not have pissed on my floor last night
Welcome to 22
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
Are you missing a tooth after last night? Because I found one in my coat pocket...along with what smells like dried jäger and a package of deer jerky.
Uh not that I recall.
Oh wait nvm. It's mine. Yeup, definitely my tooth.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Thanks. I just smoked a bowl topless so I'm in heaven right now.
Randomize
