o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
I told her I would melt her with my mustache. Needless to say, he pants were soon off.
I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.
I was pretty stoned. I thought I needed a seatbelt at the restaurant.
If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
this is terrible I feel like i'm trapped in a cage with a wild republican
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
Pretty much all i've had today is sugar and orgasms
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
Randomize
