I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5
i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
its like whenever the snow comes all the hott girls drop out of school. where are they
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
Usually I just ask myself "have I been naked here?" If the answer is no I correct the situation.
We were in his kitchen and she turned to me with a straight face and an avocado in her hand and said "Can we steal this?"
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
I have bruises all over my legs. Did I hit a car with my bike last night?
You started yelling about vegans ruining the world. Because we drove past some cows eating grass.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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