she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
just saw a girl throwing up in a taco bell nacho cantainor going 60 down the highway
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
You don't seem to appreciate the rareness of his junk.
Send me a picture. I'm more of a visual learner.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
