I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
There's some strange man with hair that keeps talking to us. I'm scared.
This is how horror movies start. Going to bar with strange hair guy. He's paying. Bad idea?
Ditched hair man. Got free cab ride to market. Want food. I win.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.
i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "
the only human I can compare her to is rosie o'donnell.
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
he made a bald eagle out of coke lines
Things I woke up with this morning: half a mcmuffin, orange hair, one shoe and a friendly german man. Tequila was a brilliant idea.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I AM THERE IN SPIRIT, TICKLING YOUR BALLS
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
That's a gentle way of saying I passed out like an 18-year-old on his first trip to Tijuana
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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