Soo....this goes on the list of odd coincidences. My gyno calls me while I'm going at it, leaves me a message. I check it later... thank God I tested negative.
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?
I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I'm sitting in Starbucks, waiting for direction in my life, or it to be 8 p.m. Whatever comes first.
I heard them banging and it sounded like he was trying to stuff a fucking coconut into her
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
We did it to 80's cardio music. Talk about a workout.
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
