you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
You started drinking at 2:30, did you really think you would be able to remember?
Let's just not urinate on things that don't need to be urinated on
Don't linger or you will get sucked into spending the night. Remember the mission mantra: GET OFF
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
It's amazing where one well timed dick pic can get you in life.
First date was awkward. I think I just saw someone die.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I don't care. She's the only girl to make me feel like my face is melting when she blows me.
He stuck a cigarette in my butt last night. There is no coming back from that.
I just bought two cartons of ice cream, 5 boxes of mac and cheese and a bridal magazine. Don't judge me.
Hey. You got pizza and sex. How much more can you ask for?
Thanks for going with me today. It’s been a long time since I bought bra and panties because of a guy
It’s called “shopping for lingerie” and it’s one of the many exciting and sexy things that follow a divorce, along with sexting, sleepovers, and orgasms
But, our next lesson is picking up a younger guys at the bar!
Randomize
