Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police
What?!?
What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police
just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.
are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
Hey man your outta milk
How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
She keeps feeding me drugs. Its like I'm her baby bird or something
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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