Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.
I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW
It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
I'd like to thank you for ensuring I didn't die. Id also like to show you the most impressive bruise you will perhaps ever see
Randomize
