Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"
High five!
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.
Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
Sweating vodka and spray tan, I feel like a trophy wife.
you're right. i am beautiful. like a May day. frolicking in a meadow of wildflowers. platinum in one hand. pipe in the other. that kind of beautiful.
I'm keeping track of how many times I've said "Shhh, act like you're not naked." in my life. So far, 3 times.
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
