so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
I sent you an email today but due to work restrictions, I had to misspell choke sex
I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
Randomize
