guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
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Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
So is that the only criterion for shenanigans now? Don't die?
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She left you responsible for her guinea pig for what, 3 hours? And it somehow died under your care? I will no longer trust you with so much as a beer.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
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