the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.
My pussy is not your playground.
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.
Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
i know. like I have the nerve to talk about poverty. I eat peanut butter out of the jar.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
I can no longer play with you. I puked on my feet in the shower. I'm too old for this.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Walked off the dance floor to find Gabe hitting on a dad bod at the bar. It was my Dad. Awkward is an understatement.
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