I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Things that don't wash off in the shower: black eyes and hickies.
Not only did she fulfill a life long dream of mine of banging in a library, she bought me subway for lunch. I feel like I got the best gold star ever today.
It feels so wrong having a picture of my tits next to a picture of my daughter.
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
I now have scissors specifically made for cutting dicks off.
Breakfast sounds amazing but can we do IHOP instead? I have to pick up a Plan B pill and there’s a CVS next to it
Randomize
