I want to have your abortion
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
If I remember taking any of my finals after tomorrow night, it will not have been a successful night.
Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag
I need new friends
I've never watched DWTS before, but this show's got Pamela Anderson, Erin Andrews and Brooke Burke: 3 of my top 10 all time most masturbated to women.
the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I hope after we constantly bang for 2 days straight we can agree to be friends again
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
He peed my bed and tried to say it was just the wine. The red wine. On white sheets. He's not a good liar.
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
We ate sushi in a hospital bed, then fucked in a bathroom while I wore a gown. Pretty sure she's the one
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
Randomize
