Made out with some random "plus sized" young lady. She let me kiss her boobies. It was like I was 6 months old again.
hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"
it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.
No. He burped at a 3 year old, roared at him and proceeded to scream at the kid's parents to watch their child. The manager of Olive Garden was on our side.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
