Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
I know i'm drunk when the "men" sign on the bathroom sounds chinese
It's a beautiful day for a hangover
About me waking up with a tatto of a hamster with a top hat ?
hey.....beach week happens
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
if you lined all their dicks up next to eachother, it would be like at&t bars
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
JOY: That feeling when you crack open a handle for the first time, and the flow limiter comes off with the cap.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
never stay at a party until 5am. even if it's because of daylight savings. we ended up having to watch porn with the host's dad...
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
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