Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
fireball beer pong. youre missing out
how is that even possible?
ove gloves.
be there in ten.
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
If by any chance I go to the hospital make sure you stuff a pint in my pockets so I can keep up.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I got stood up on a date. They are singing "dancing with myself" on karaoke in my honor.
I just hit your bf in the face with a mustard bottle and the guy at the table next to us bowed down to me.
I'm not sure how to explain it, but I feel like our penises have a connection. Like long lost brothers. We're not even gay.
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
It was probably the night you were half naked and trying to blow everybody, guy or girl.
this is me we're talking about here. You're going to have to be more specific than that.
Mass text: You have all failed me. How have the people I loved so much let me go so long in life without ever eating a McRib sandwich?!
Randomize
