if you dont talk to me in person you cant text me
i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?
From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
I give up. I can't handle that class sober any longer. I have an army of whiskey shooters for the next three weeks. Wish me luck.
She's like the Oprah of therapy. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. AND YOU GET A STRAITJACKET. WITH A PADDED ROOOOM
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
Last night I recall my hair going up in flames. This is evident by the burnt hair smell that is following me around this morning
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Once you start using "cuddles" as a code word for sex you'll never get real cuddles again
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