I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.
He wanted me naked, so I got naked. You can't hold that against me.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
Are you alive?
I woke up under the pier.
She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
It's shark week go big or go home
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
