some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.
It was like fucking a house. Down the chimney. That deep and empty.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
I mean it was fine and all but I just don't understand why a man would need all that Simon Cowell paraphanelia
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
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