Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
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This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Sunday Funday has been cancelled indefinitely, due to lack of self control of all parties involved.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
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now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
why is there a dog in my house with your initials shaved in it's fur?
dude, i just woke up in a house i've never seen. i have bigger problems
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Happiness is laying in bed, topless, pouring 4 packs of hot sauce on your taco bell.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
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