Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
THERE IS THE SEXIEST BEARDED MAN HERE. I CAME EVERYWHERE.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
did you know that my friend knows a guy with 3 balls what the actual fuck
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Also I've been at work for an hour and I've already been "honey"d "babe"d and "beautiful"d by three separate men. Apparently hungover with yesterdays make up looks good on me.
sidebar: i fucked your brother last night
SOS... STANDING IN THE BAR NEXT TO MY BF AND THE GUY WHO I HOOKED UP WITH ON CHRISTMAS DAY..
I wonder how many people saw me whip my junk out and bang it on the light post in front of holabird bar and liquors last night. I'm about tired of having to do that.
Nobody saw you except the people in the bar, because you weren't outside. You were inside, and you were smacking it on the mens bathroom door handle
I really hate whoever invented fireball.
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
Randomize
