I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
Howd you meet this guy?
I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
I feel as though the word "tired" has become synonymous with "too high to manage the stairs" lately
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
also please imagine me hopping a fence at 3am using two chairs. It was a shit show. K's guy practically ripped her off the top of the fence bc she got semi stuck. It was like watching Disney on Bud Ice.
I think I'm destined to be the stoner version of one of those successful but emotionally unavailable characters Sandra Bullock always plays in movies
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
Her mom came down to the basement and took shots with us. She's now passed out in a wheel barrow. This party got weird
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
hopefully I won't be diving through a thorn bush to escape an explosion this time
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