You know your creepy when you look at recently tagged facebook photos of girls you want to hook up with and they include prom pictures
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I mean like, I missed 30 minutes of star wars to fuck you on Christmas so you must be worth something
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
Randomize
