when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.
Katelyn drunkenly ripped the soap dispenser off the wall so we decided to call it quits
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Megan brought her friend up last night, greeted her by drunkedly taking a piss all over her duffle bag of clothing
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
Also, next time I go get a wax, I'm gonna ask the girl about the innie to outie ratio she sees on the daily.
Randomize
