Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.
Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
By the taste of his semen he isnt vegetarian and therefore lied to me to take me home on a brighter note i stole his fondue set
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I just trimmed my bush to manageable levels. I'm gonna take a nap and then get in there and finish the job.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
I love how fuckboys immediately become cultured when I tell them I’m an artist.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
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