btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"
Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi
He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door
K, im gonna wait to get my dick pierced so we can do it as a family function.
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.
you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?
Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
My husband found the cock ring I bought my FWB. I told him it was napkin holder and he believed me. And that’s why I need a side dick
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
Randomize
