I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
We have been pregaming the shutdown of the government since Tuesday. Send help, and some more liquor.
Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Most adult booty call ever. Ha. We got down to business and still got to watch the colbert report.
I found him passed out against a dryer in the girls washroom, in front of an old woman was trying to figure out how to dry her hands.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
How do you leave a condom wrapper under my mom's pillow...
This may not be the best moment to laugh, but I am.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
Nothing says girls night like wine cheese and pregnancy tests 😂
And now, by the power vested in me by the state of intoxication, I now pronounce you fucking awesome.
Randomize
