My professor really needs to stop abbreviating. I'll never remember what "Fun. Anal. Trade-offs?" means when i study.
I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again
random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Just found out my rents have been paying my siblings to cockblock me for the past 5 years
Not as covert as you thought huh?
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
A gay dude just spanked me with a nicholas sparks novel and called me foxy. I'm putting this on my resume.
I told you for Halloween we just need to let the loins free! Let the girth come to us in a flock, drenched with passion!
She made me keep my boots on and say "you're welcome darlin" after every orgasm......so yes it was an awesome night.
You know its a good night when ur woken up by the bartender asking you how he ended up at your house
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
oh dont worry mom i am not sick my cough is from a recent increase in recreational drug use
that will happen
Randomize
