Drinking mikes hard & watching the swan princess. i fucking LOVE college
How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
Man, jail baloney is awful.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
I GOT A VENDING MACHINE FOR OUR LIVING ROOM
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
You missed the winter stoner olympics last night....I got the gold in blunt rolling
I appreciate the I'll come bail you out of jail tone in the text
Bringing my cat to a booty call was not my finest hour
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
Randomize
