franzia sundays are my new favorite holiday
girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.
After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.
Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.
Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.
Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.
I told him if he ever gets a "wink" text from me after 10:00pm to assume I really mean "we should be hooking up by 2:30am"
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
Randomize
