I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
Do you think accidently including this month's Credit Card statement in my application will keep me from getting into grad school?
Depends ... when did you purchase your vibrator?
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Is she blowing you? I'm in the closet.
I'm not too sure what happened last night, but by the looks of it, we must have gotten drunk with zebras.
Do you think he’ll fall in love with me if I tell him I have a nickname for his penis
Randomize
