If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
she looked like the bat from fern gully.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs
I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.
i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
please tell me we weren't that bad as freshmen
i can't, we're worse now
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
His flight is delayed. Mother Nature is delaying me from sex.
She called to say the cops were not fake cops. some one has to go get her in an hour
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
There’s an entire generation of people out there who didn’t grow up watching Mr. Rogers and it shows. These Boomers need to get their shit together.
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
