Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
Yeah I'm a responsible adult man but I legally unbind myself from anything that occurred that evening and am in no way responsible for those actions.
Mission get my tooth back and find a new dick to ride starts after i sleep for the first time in 2 days.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
We ended up debating which Food Network host would do best in porn.
Well, we won the drunk before noon contest!
Jailed a totally belligerent hot guy. That was probably my most thorough pat down. Ever.
He handcuffed himself to the keg... D is hooking up with him anyway.
You brought string cheese to the strip club
He made me spaghetti, gave me wine and I fucked him on the floor, Is that a fair trade of services to you?
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
Randomize
