no, its his 'welcome back from rehab' party.
She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.
She kept crying and asking why I couldn't look more like Dennis quaid.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
There's jack Daniels coming out of my eyes instead of tears.
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
i need some fresh meat. meat that has a license and a job and isn’t a FULL-blown alcoholic. partial i could tolerate, bc, haha, let’s be honest, me likey my drinkies.
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
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