I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
first time Ive ever had to stop sex to go pass out in the kitchen floor...
is it bad that I sent her a picture of my penis on her husbands birthday?
really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public
I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
We left the knife in your bed.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
"Yeah because the first thing I think of when I hear the word college is tear gas."
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
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