I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
ask me if i forgot to go to a midterm today
Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..
everythings easier when your wearing a toga.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.
I let a naked juice spill down my leg for like 30 minutes bc i thought i was hallucinating that my leg was cold.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
You know you can't live off of vodka and pizza rolls forever
I'VE ALREADY MADE MY CHOICE
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
I'm not wearing pants, but I'm wearing a tiara.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Randomize
