I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
You left half a beer on someones car and claimed it was a second day of hanakuh gift
I'm watching Cheaper By The Dozen. I almost forgot that Hilary Duff was a really shitty actor before she was a really shitty singer.
We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
He had a step stool to get in to his bed!
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
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