this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.
Yeah, that's not really a good thing. Especially for a girl. You should get a tattoo on your stomach that says "Please wear a condom".
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???
Found 2 Coors, problem solved.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
I have to call my new boss to accept the job offer so you have pack the bowl while I pretend I'm a responsible adult THEN we can get high
I hope so much that you got average or above average dick tonight because I wish you the best
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
I'm getting paid to get fucked up. How much better could this get?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
