i have a feeling tonight will end in rehab
We took shots in honor of Shark Week.
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
I'm wearing men's underwear
I don't know what to do with that information...
Randomize
