But guess what. I'm gonna roll over and go to sleep cuz there's no cuddling in phone sex.
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!
please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes
Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.
Your niece just basically announced she's a whore on FB so you should feel pretty good about officiating that wedding next month.
When we were texting for those few weeks, I some how established a crush on you. And its weird and wild and stupid and silly. But these things just have to be said sometimes to determine what's real and what is infatuation. And to suffer the consequences of five am drunk philosophy. No regrets.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I see the guy who's been trying to get me to let him eat my ass became engaged on Facebook today; would framed screen shots be an appropriate wedding present?
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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