Best part is I totaly had to get into my dads car like I didn't have my pants off two minutes ago.
Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.
im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I found my limit. I will not, in fact, blow my 78 year old professor for an A in his class.
I came to the conclusion that Tinder and having the day off are not good for my relationship.
I'm excited I love mornings when I'm not sober
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
all of these bad things happened because I didn't bring a shower beer.
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
He sent me the milestone first dick pic this morning, it looked like a baby's fist holding a tree trunk. I'm frightened and aroused in equal measure.
Randomize
