Thats something to write home to mom about
Dear Mom, I had sex last nt w a girl that liked to b choked. Im n love. Cant wait for you to meet her
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
I guess she found the pillow case full of vomit I hid last night: "Oh my God. Oh my God. In my fucking FRIDGE?! Really? Hope your dick falls off there's puke all over my food. Fucking die."
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
