I'm passing your future prison.
You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.
sorry for allegedly lighting the beer pong balls of fire
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
I'm gonna let my dick speak for itself from now on. Seriously, it's always recruiting for me even after 6 hours of drinking.
Are you considering all the consequences of doing your boss or are you just rationalizing with your vagina?
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
The way I kissed her was actually pretty charming and then it devolved to car sex
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
I'm covered in glow paint and shame. I'm never leaving this country
Jus had a dream that I borrowed bob dylans car to save us from a pack of raptors. Pretty stoked about it.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Randomize
