I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
we went to a bar last night, drank beer in plastic cups. I took pics w/a random kid i pulled into a photobooth & i have easy mac in my purse. I belong here.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out
You never cease to amaze me.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
You slid down the wall and got into the fetal position. He was definitely judging... I was judging....
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
Life is when you're laying naked in bed, eating Double Stuff Oreos with your boyfriend, blazed as fuck. Happy 4/20.
I used an explanation of Walking Marriages in the Mosuo Culture to successfully negotiate an open relationship. That Anthropology degree is finally starting to pay off.
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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