I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Well I found out I was essentially dumped and replaced by a hipster and apparently offered a girl $95 to go out with me. In the spirit of the Olympics I will not be spending any time on the medal stand.
YES please come visit. Lets go get belligerent. I won't even pepperspray you
I CAN FEEL MY HEART BEATING MY WHOLE BODY
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
yeah I woke up in jail with two different shoes on and neither of them were mine
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
Only thing that feels right is being horizontal in the fetal position
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
Randomize
