Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Did he make you just lay your head next to his cock and talk to it again?
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there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog
They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
As Scar once said. Be prepared! For the shit show of what's coming tonight
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I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
If you bring home Chipotle tonight I'll give you an epic bj...ball play and all #datenight
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I think I should write my liver a thank you note. If it had my work ethic, I would be dead now.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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