All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
I think I ordered pizza when I got home. The email said the delivery time was noon today. So if that shit shows up I am the most amazing drunk on the planet.
I need to shower. I still have paint on me from the homeless guys
No I am not eating basil off your cock
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
I just had my first non-cocaine-induced nosebleed for the first time in 2 years. This calls for a celebration.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
Also, there's definitely not a non-hilarious way to ask to stick something up your butt.
Randomize
