Just bought a pack of cigs...gas station guy informed me i took off my underwear and tried to pop a squat by the milk last night...
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
Now you know for the next time you go in the basement to wear a helmet
It's official, no more fat chicks or even close to that, my balls are 2 dimentional
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I have a fantastic sense of humor but being called a merman isn't funny
Dude, you need better judgement.Trust me I know. I put my dick in the wrong mouths all the time
WHO DOES THAT ON A TUESDAY? This is not a Drake joke, the girl doesn't turn up OR down. She doesn't do anything.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
What kind of terrible faithless God would allow vodka and one ply toilet paper to coexist?
did i just pee glitter
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
I'm giving drunk me full control of my body for the next few days. Please don't let me die.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
Randomize
