I wish there were whore gnomes that cleaned our apartment when we were gone.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
did you fuck him yet?
hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
can't decide if i look like a hooker or a missing member of Poison today
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
He will forever be known as the toe sucker who may or may not have been a father
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize
