am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
He tried. I said no. He said, "It's ok if I do this?" and proceeded to jerk himself off. Oh, the French.
Dave a horae rider a coqw boy
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
I think it's starting to become crucial that I find a companion for my vagina.
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
I specialize in how to hang out and party with randoms after you've hooked up with them. Not in feelings.
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
I feel like if he almost got me pregnant once, i can at least say hi in a bar
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
I ran into a wall that clearly had things popping out. My eyebrow was bruised, both arms, the bottom of my foot. Lost half of my finger nail, my fake eyelash was stuck in my hair and I have about 47 blurry pictures of a half naked zombie DJ.
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
