Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
Then he told me he was 40. I'm not sure if I have enough Daddy issues to go for it
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
I am trying to think of a way to make alcohol cupcakes
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
Ok well i was gonna say you can only borrow my fog machine if you will use it to emerge from your room in a cloud of smoke after having sex with sarah, so yeah we're good
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
He made me watch a sex tape him and his gf made. They were in the shower when her roommate walked in on them. Not kidding: she asked to join in.
I hate him. He gets laid, my dick gets laughed at.
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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