I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
Remember when we used to smoke out of an apple at the playground? Those were some precious moments
I had sex in the tube at that same playground once. That park is full of memories.
I guess daylight savings isn't a holiday we need to celebrate for three days...
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
Randomize
